Naturally, I was sitting in bed on a Sunday night – reading, and crafting blog posts, because NaBloPoMo has me completely obsessed about posting something every single day for the month of November.
Plus I was conversing with a friend on and off all day yesterday about this guy she’s in love with. He’s a very close friend (close enough to spend lots of time at her house cooking, helping with her son, doing chores, etc. and having regular dinner dates with her). She’s afraid to tell him how she really feels about him because of his asshole behavior. They have a love/ hate, or passive/ aggressive relationship, but he has a long list of great qualities. I’m almost certain that he already knows and has feelings too, but I’m on the outside looking in.
Anyway, I opened the book Mars and Venus on a Date to page 318, and read this paragraph:
I’m not here to express an opinion on my friend’s situation (she won’t mind if you do though), but I see myself in this quote too. As far as being able to appreciate and accept men much more – now that I’ve been single for more than two years and now that I am highly aware of my needs for a man (in a healthy way), I’m very specific about what I want.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m ready to give the ax to any man who deserves it. See several stories on my blog about prospective dates who got the boot: First Date: What’s Your Take?, No Stalkers Please!! – The Date That Never Happened, A Date With Mr. Chin (Almost), Ladies: Our Male Friends Have Motives. That won’t change. (No games being played.)
At the same time, I’ve gained some perspective.
What I have to say is twofold:
1) The last time I fell for a guy, I was in deep denial. Because it probably couldn’t work. [In my obsessive voice] He was too young, he wanted three children, he wasn’t ready, he was emotionally unavailable, I was unsure, could this really work?, how does he really feel?, I’m a professional and he’s just trying to start a career. Blah, blah, blah. My heart was saying one thing, but my mind was saying another. I thought my feelings were obvious because why else would we be spending so much time together? Why would I be losing sleep to break day with him? My point is, I never expressed how I really felt and I sabotaged the whole situation. Actually, I ended it. In his mind, I would’ve never taken him seriously (for some of my logical reasons above). No regrets, because everything works out for the best.
2) Also, in acknowledging the need for a man in a healthy way (not limited to sex, by the way), you become more receptive and open to potential love interests.
We’ve all had practice with lames, and after a while, your intuition should become pretty sharp. Have no problem saying Nexxxttt!!!, if necessary, but if the vibes are good, and the guy is not a creep, we can be more willing to set rigid rules aside and be receptive when he extends himself. If he’s genuinely interested, that will bring out the best in him.
He may not say things exactly the way I would prefer, or approach me the way I envision it, or wear the right shoes. He may not even be packaged the way I expect (he does have to work out). I might even let him slide on planning a first date (which I dislike – you asked me out, so get creative.) But I will appreciate that he’s trying, as long as he is honest about his intentions and his actions match his words. Makes sense, right?
Certain things won’t change. I’m flawed. I have a sensual and tough exterior, which keeps men guessing. (oooh, I like that!) But I will do my best to Trust the Process, versus sabotaging it.
Have you ever denied your feelings for someone? How did it turn out? If you have feelings for someone (assuming you are both single), do you tell them, or hope it’s obvious? Have you ever been single for a long period of time? What did you learn?
It depends on the person if I would say something or not. Most men are immature(well in my age bracket) and wouldn’t know how to accept the fact that a woman likes them and/or is perusing them. Most situations I have been in I try to be open minded and see if the guy will notice if not then I go for it.. Whats the worse that can happen right?
I hear you. It’s so rare that I find a man I REALLY like that I’m not usually in that situation, but Next Time, I think I’ll handle it differently. I’m meeting men who want to settle down, so the maturity thing is less of an issue. Plus I have no patience for games. I’m with you on seeing/ hoping a guy notices. Let them do the work! Lol
Right! They suppose to work hard to get and keep us.
hahaha @ men are suppose to work hard to get and keep you. So what are you suppose to do?
Reema, you crack me up! Of course relationships take work on both people’s part. I appreciate a man who is persistent about pursuing me/ knows what he wants, and takes the lead. Of course if there’s potential/ interest, I’ll reciprocate and be receptive.
I wrote a blog post for a dating site a long time ago about resisting falling in love being the key to falling in love. That’s how it worked for me. We were honest about our feelings a dated, but we were both in college. He was everything I wanted, but he wasn’t really emotionally available when we met. That was okay because I saw falling in love as a process. I didn’t want to fall for charm; I wanted to fall for him. So, I did everything in my power to resist falling in love with him (and by everything, I mean emotionally, because we still hung out all the time. I wasn’t tell him anything I didn’t feel). Eventually, the moment came where I realized I had failed. Unbeknownst even to myself, I had fallen in love. I feel like, since we waited so long to use that word and got to know each other just as we were first, our relationship was that much stronger.
That’s exactly what happened to me. But then we both got scared. I ended it, but still saw him often. I went reeling. Took me a while to recover, but — I will never settle for less than the type of connection I had with him. He raised the bar. I learned the benefit of building a strong friendship first. Thank you. Very interesting perspective.
I was close to breaking up with this guy because, after I realized I was in love with him, I was still waiting. He wasn’t ready to say those words yet and I wasn’t about to make him feel pressured. I actually set a date. If he doesn’t love me by then, then it’s not meant to be. There is a unique pain to being in love with someone who doesn’t or can’t return the feeling. I like to think I would have had the strength to end it, despite my feelings, but a month or two before that date, he admitted his love to me. And here we are today, still together.
If a person is too afraid to admit those feelings, it may simply be sign that’s it’s not the right time (even if it is the right person).
Aww, what a story! Who better to be with than your best friend? And I agree. Sometimes timing is off.
I like this a lot
Okay I totally agree with Dr. Gray. A lot of times its because of past relationships. Sometimes the woman feels that every man is a dog and therefore shuts her feelings down or deny them as stated because of fear. Just resounding on what was mentioned earlier, If she put those things aside and make a shift to knowing that she needs a man in a healthy way, then she opens the door for the right man to come in.
Now as a man, I have been on that side before as for shutting my feelings down. Totally denying what i was feeling inside. Lost out on that but hey, we live and we learn. Men too (some) think that way too. May not be everything that we are looking for but no one is perfect. Otherwise we be like that picture i once seen before, “waiting on the perfect man” or in this case woman. Meanwhile dead sitting in the chair as a skeleton waiting….. Crickets chirping.
So well said! I think fear plays a role, and also conditioning. As women, we’re very independent nowadays (generally), and in that sense it’s easier to cast aside a “need” for a man if you’re okay by yourself financially. Emotionally and spiritually, partners/ husbands/ wives, etc still contribute to a healthy lifestyle. For me, companionship is important. I chuckled at your last statement about the skeleton. Yup, no such thing as a perfect person.