We met online almost a year ago. My first thoughts centered on the hyperpigmentation on his cheekbones, his short neck, and tiny, pursed lips. His head and shoulders seemed to meet with not even a couple of inches in between. On top of that, he’s stocky – probably a mix of genetics and a high school and college football career, but he’s definitely broad on top – disproportionate to his chicken legs.
But it was winter and my dating life had slowed considerably. And “Jimmy” can actually hold a conversation! A lost art these days, I know.
A few months pass and we’re chatting regularly. See, he lives in Dallas,Texas and I’m in the New York City area. Cool. I’m not pressed and my expectations are low. Conversation is enough.
“Some time this summer, I’ll either come to New York or fly you out to Dallas,” he said. “I really wanna spend time with you.” Cool.
Fast forward to the end of August. I’d kept busy working and training and planning a birthday party and dating, attending my sister’s wedding, shopping, hanging out, going to the beach, etc. Jimmy had lost his marketing job and our conversations had slowed. Partly due to his constant questioning. “So how many guys have you met? Why haven’t I spoken to you? Why didn’t you call me back? So you talk to me for ten minutes and now you have to go? You too busy for me, huh? So who did you meet? Can you send me some pictures?” Oh, he also interrupted my sleep by calling at weird hours. Past midnight!
Like, dude, CHILL! And he talked mostly about himself. I changed my phone settings to forward his calls straight to voicemail — with an explanation when he asked via text. I told him “I’m annoyed by your constant questioning and our conversations have become boring. (I understood all he explained about the layoff – three times over.) And I think the window of opportunity to build interest has closed.” (Mean, or nah?)
Anyway, I took his call last night at around 9:15pm. I had showered and settled in under my covers. Rest is necessary to go jogging at 5:30am. Deep sigh.
Turns out (duhh) that he was not expecting – but certainly hoping for sex if I went to Dallas. “I would never pass up the opportunity,” he said. Umm hmm. UmKay. He also offered that he wouldn’t be coming to NY to “just hang out” if he wasn’t interested in pursuing a serious relationship with me. “You inspire me,” he said.
I usually let that statement go when people tell me that – men and women alike… But this time I asked for clarity.
He answered, “You inspire me to be a better man. You have certain qualities, along with your beauty, that motivate me to be the best person I can be. You’re the kind of woman I wanna build something with. I would be willing to do whatever it takes.”
That was sweet. I told him so. Things like this do go over my head sometimes. But he’s miles and miles away. He’s 32 years old – and wanting biological children. I’m not interested in giving birth to any. No room for negotiation on my part. Why would I read so deeply into “hanging out” in Dallas, enjoying the city, and potentially his company? And allowing him the pleasure of enjoying mine?
He asked “So what could possibly happen that would make you not want to visit a second time?”
“It’s simple. If you get on my nerves, I wouldn’t come back, but I’ll still have the experience of visiting Dallas for the first time, and hopefully doing something fun. I mean, what if you see me and decide I’m not who or what you thought?”
We’re on the same page now. He’s attracted to me and my personality, thinks I’m beautiful, wouldn’t mind having sexual relations, and is thinking long-term? And me? I’ve learned to manage my expectations in dating. I take people with a grain of salt. I’ve learned that men flake often enough. He seems like a decent guy who would try to be vested in our happiness, as individuals, and as a couple, but who knows?
Visiting Dallas is nowhere on my radar, but I’d set aside time to hang out – if Jimmy came to New York, which I doubt will happen – because umm, I didn’t express mutual interest in building a relationship or rolling in the sheets. I’d need more than some phone calls and text messages to determine that.
Related post: 5 Key Dating Tips for Women
What do you think? Could you gauge the possibility of exploring a relationship with someone you never saw in person? How would you have handled the situation with Jimmy? What are your thoughts on people who accelerate relationships too quickly? How clueless was I on the idea of him thinking about a serious relationship?
Categories: Dating Stories, Personal Stories
Oh no! He’s slipping.The real Jimmy is coming out. What’s with the thousand questions. I can tell him anything. He’s just caught up in his feelings. I wouldn’t feel comfortable meeting up with him alone. I can feel a sense of control. (All the questions) Relationship gone bad, so now he’s available. I can understand he lost his job but suddenly he’s more concerned about what I’m doing. I would just continue to chat with him. Sooner or later I will know the real Jimmy. Lol
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Lol. Hilarious! Exactly. You hit the controlling, emotional (overly sensitive) parts right on the head! I will likely not be chatting much with him, but thanks!
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Jimmy is using long distance game. The whole you inspire me sounds good in theory but he never met you so how would you inspire him? You could be a fake person for all he knows. Online/phone doesn’t count when it comes to dating and relationships. It’s not real unless it’s in person. Now I can’t knock him for going for it. When you are trying to start something long distance you have to move faster and add some extras. He knows you have options that are a lot closer to home.
Agreed on almost all points. Except it ain’t working. Lol. You don’t have to meet someone in person to be inspired though. I read authors who inspire me as a woman and a writer all the time. And he’s not the first man to tell me that – even friends have.
Hey sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t. You still have to go for it.
What I meant by that was that I think he’s just saying that. He really doesn’t mean it. Of course you can be inspired by someone you never met.
Oh ok. Gotcha! Thx.
I don’t know that I could explore having a relationship with someone I haven’t seen in person. I think that I’d agree to meet, but I would certainly have reservations. I get a bit freaked out when things moved too quickly. I tend to back off quickly when that happened.
Yea it’s kind of creepy. Makes you wonder about their motive, and sanity.
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Exactly. It’s that urgency that makes the red flags go up.
I think he’s insecure that the more people I meet, the more his chances lessen. But I’m not interested.
idk. I think the constant questions would have been an instant turn off. I would have just moved on. But, I suppose nothing could hurt from hanging out. Personally, sex isn’t something I can do on the first face to face meeting. If that’s what he wanted, I’d have to disappoint.
I’m with you on all points. It’s never worth letting someone annoy the heck out of you if you can help it.