Remember the three men I met last week?
They turned out to be HONEST in their intentions, of all things. I’ve been saying honesty is the best game for a while now. (If only more men took heed.)
Here’s the rundown:
Guy #1 wants to meet up this Saturday in Brooklyn. He asked where I wanted to meet, so I asked what he wants to do. “Be inside you,” he said. “Really? Since when?” (As if I didn’t set him up with the first question.) “Since we ran back into each other,” he said.
Guy #2 wanted to meet up last weekend, but I was tired and not about that driving-to-another-state life. (It happens!) I knew he wasn’t looking for anything serious because he never asked typical questions that men do when they’re interested in a woman (do you have children, how old are you, etc.). Plus, we danced very sensually and I recognize that. And I enjoyed it. His story? He’s working on his financial situation and is unavailable for a relationship. (I have a feeling he’s unemployed.) But he’s available for sex.
Guy #3 is waiting for finalization of his U.S. citizenship. Once he gets that, he’s going back to Sudan to find a wife, and bring her to the U.S. after a year or so. He claims I remind him of a Sudanese woman. He wants to meet up Sunday and offered to put me up in a hotel in Manhattan (alone) after we hang out, since I have to work Monday. Um hmm. No thank you!
I write about relationships, so I asked plenty of questions throughout conversations with these men and above all, I respect their honesty. Guy #3 didn’t ask for anything specifically, but c’mon, you really wanna be “friends” with me a few months before you go start a family? Okay.
Still, I’ll take honesty over a lie, although I do understand how women play a role in conditioning men to lie (by punishing them for telling their truths).
Here are a few tips:
- Don’t chastise them for their honesty, but instead express appreciation. A lot of men lie to get what they want, which leads to disaster and heartache down the line if you get swept up and emotionally attached. If you want more honesty from men, learn how to receive it better. Later, I’ll write a piece on how to detect a lying ass man.
- Listen intently, while processing what YOU want. Let him express himself, and take in where he’s really coming from since its up to you to take it or leave it. Are you on the same page as far as wants? Or are you far off? Do you want to settle for what he’s offering in the meantime, or will you hold out?
- Take your time. There’s no need to rush your answer. If the game switched up too fast for you, tell him you’ll consider his thoughts and get back to him. If he puts too much pressure on you, he’s being disrespectful and selfish.
- Do what’s best for you. Express how you feel about moving forward (or not). If saying yes to him means saying no to yourself, rethink the situation. Your needs are first priority.
- Learn to let go, as I said in 5 Key Dating Tips For Women, the sooner you get rid of men who are far off target from what you want, the more open you are to receiving what you Do want.
Honesty really is the best game. With full disclosure, you can exercise choice – with or without judgment of the other person. You can engage, or simply walk away.
What’s your take on honesty in relationships and “getting to know you” situations? How do you or would you react if a man or woman you just met told you they were interested in sex? How would you rate the three men I wrote about based on their approach? Have you experienced something similar?
Categories: Advice, Dating Stories, Personal Stories
Kudos to those men. I always appreciate someone who doesn’t ‘play the game.’ Just tell me what you want and, if it matches what I want, we’ll move forward.
That said, I know some girls who enjoy being chased. Even if they wanted to have sex with a man, if he simply stated his intentions, they’d be turned off. I certainly don’t think that’s a healthy way to handle relationships, but to each their own.
I agree. Lies are often a lot more romantic than the truth and as women, some of us just love the thrill of romance and fantasy. Even at the expense of truth.
Amen to expressing appreciation for a man’s honesty. When you do that you’re more likely to keep getting it in the future. And, whether you’re able to handle it or not … you definitely want (and need) the honesty!
Yes! Completely agreed. Thank you for commenting!
I think when a man is honest hes a considerate person and I respect the fact that he gives u an option to choose what u want to do rather than try to fool u into a situation u didnt want.
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So true. Honesty does hurt sometimes (especially when one person wants more), but like you said, it gives you the power to choose – versus being fooled. Thanks for chiming in.
Good tips Prudence!
First of all in order to have a healthy relationship with a guy, a woman need to be strong and come with confidence. When a relationship doesn’t work out it’s usually because of some type of fear, doubt or insecurity. Most men lie because they don’t feel they will meet your standards, they want to impress you because they don’t feel good enough to get you on his own.
If a woman want the truth from a man she need to find a way to reward his behavior and not punish him by putting him through Hell! Most of the time the men are trying to impress us, but that’s when we make him feel comfortable enough to tell us the truth. They are just showing signs of insecure behavior, which doesn’t allow a real foundation to be built in a relationship. That’s why it’s best to be honest.
This is not just male behavior. It’s human nature.
Guy #1 this guy just want to lay up. If that’s his thoughts, then I wouldn’t be interested unless the fireworks was sparking between the both of us. I say this because “Single” women still have needs. 😉
Guy #2 He will need to find a way to see me. He would also need to call me when he gets back on track. He just want SEX.
Guy #3 He need to wait on his special trip back to Sedan to find his wife. So if he’s just looking for sex, then he will need to go and find him a female prostitute. Ijs
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Priceless response! You made my day. Excellent point about insecurity. That’s a big factor, because look, if I say no, there are millions more women out there. And some are selfish. They Will tell u whAtever works. I think we can help by being more receptive to the truth, versus tripping when we hear it. Also, lies are just more romantic and often feel good. You’re right about the guys!
I’m stuck on this one. Every time that I’ve been honest with a woman, I’ve been walked on. Then again, I can’t bring myself to lying.. Its just not me.
Hmmm. So what do you do?
I stay true to who I am. Just because nine out of the ten women I meet choose to see me as a push over, it doesn’t mean one of them, one day (I’m being optimistic here.. Haha) wouldn’t appreciate honesty. Honesty to the point where it seems I’m vulnerable.
Hmm. Interesting. You point out a relationship between honesty and and vulnerability. A previous commenter pointed out the relationship between dishonesty and insecurity. Good point. When you fall for an honest man, trust and the overall bond is so much deeper. Because you know that at the end of the day, he’s gonna keep it real with you.
That in my opinion has always been the most important aspect of a relationship. Everything else comes after.
Take communication for example. It is essential. But whats the point of it, when there is no honesty?
Communication without honesty is someone being manipulative to get what they want, or someone hiding the truth (about their intentions, their past, their shortcomings, etc) out of fear, selfishness, etc. But it happens.
And – a lot of people lack communication skills. I didn’t know that, but I learned, being single for three years.
Haha you and me both sister! Try never having been in a relationship. I don’t know what I’m missing!
Never? Wow. So you must have advice for others who have never been in a relationship. Or tipd for serial daters.
I’m great at setting people up, putting people back together and I know all the do’s and dont’s.
Ideally, I want to set myself up in such a way, that she would never lack and she would never have a reason to doubt me.
I’ve had crushes, gone on a date or two, but I’ve always been a hopeless romantic. And about a year ago, I met her.
Sadly, she doesn’t feel the same way and thus my blog!
I see. There are tons of great women in the world. You’ll meet her!
I’m probably a hopeless optimist. Lol
Let’s form a club then!
And yes, every woman is perfect in her very own way. I’m just stupidly, stubborn and convinced she is perfect for me.. lol
You know how it is. I need to loose more kilos and down a few more bottles before I get my head straight!
I hear you! Good luck! 🙂
Honesty, hmmm a lot of women can’t handle that. But I still practice it.
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I agree with you. Thanks for chiming in. 🙂
Guy 1- Telling a woman you want to be inside her is not my thing. I wouldn’t say that to a girl I haven’t slept with yet. I would have played it better. Let’s go here at this time. Wear a dress, jeans and heels, etc
Guy 2- Sounds dusty..charge to the game
Guy 3- He definitely has some trick bones in his body. Telling a woman you will put her in a hotel in NYC is a trick move. A decent hotel is NYC is $350 a night minimum.
All these guys were honest but more on the thirsty side.
I completely agree with you. None of them are suitable candidates, but I think the tips are useful.
I’ve always been honest with women on my intentions and have been cussed, praised and some have been neither here or there on my honesty. I think women should see honesty in a good sense even if it isn’t in line with their intentions etc
I agree. Took me meeting an honest man to learn. I hate liars, but if the truth wasn’t to my liking, I would harp on it! So, I’m sharing what I learned. When you present honesty, at least you give the other person a “choice.” Deal with it or move on. Now— I will add that I’m not condoning being hurtful. There are things that are better left unsaid. Thanks for chiming in.